Posted by Tracie McElroy Thursday, April 19, 2012
The fascination with Mommyhood started at very young age for many of us. For the 40 somethings like me, it probably started with the Cabbage Patch kid your mom fist-fought over at the Toys R Us back in the late 70’s. Since they were such a hot commodity, you most likely didn’t end up with the Betty Sue you dreamt about that shared YOUR birthday. Nope, instead, your mom returned home bloody and holding what resembled the male Chuckie doll, but it was still yours! You would pretend to feed him, burp him, change his diapers and rock him to sleep.
Little did we know back then the true horror that would become Mommyhood in the years to come.
Real kids actually do cry and if yours was anything like mine, she cried coming out and didn’t stop till around 6 months of age. Feeding time equaled a total nightmare. We are talking making bottles, sanitized the crap out of them, shoving nasty green beans from a jar into the kid’s mouth only to have 90% of it come back out and all over you. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, about Mommyhood resembles our little childhood fantasies. It is freaking hard work. To be honest, I freakin’ stink at it and there are 5 major reasons why!
#5: My Shopaholic-ism
As a 40something single momma, it has become necessary to put an inconvenient STOP to buying the shoes, purses, and the cute little miniskirts I once loved so much. (Let’s face it, at my age it’s probably better ‘cause those skirts just don’t look as sexy on these dimpled thighs as they used to.) It sucks, but it is true. One income only gets you so far. So instead of hitting Macy’s, my trips are now to Walmart, the Dollar Store and just about any toy store I happen to pass by.
But remember this friends, once a shopaholic, always a shopaholic.
Add to this the fact that my child has an ADDICTION to anything stuffed. I am talking dogs, horses, cats, birds, you name it, (we even have a few chipmunks) the kid has got to have it. Who knew you could pick these things up for just a few bucks at Target? So what does this momma do with the knowledge that cute furry things (get your minds out of the gutter!) can be bought for less than my pack of smokes? Ugh, I feed my “ism” by purchasing dirt cheap stuffed animals that serve absolutely no purpose in this world except to take up space and look cute.
So what, right?
How does that make me a bad mommy?
NOT SO FAST. There is one HUGE problem with that philosophy and it’s called STORAGE. Once you have accumulated the varied assortment of critters, where the hell are they supposed to go….all over the bedroom floor. My child cannot even sit down on her rug to read a book or color me a beautiful picture. And it is ALL MY FAULT. I have tried the under the bed storage thingy, the oversized tupperwear containers, the pink and purple shelving units, we all know the animals last in there maybe a full day if you’re lucky. About every 3 months, we weed through the piles of crap, I mean her little cuddle bugs, and donate older ones to children who really need them (the Goodwill, if you will). For about a week, she can actually find her puzzles, mobigo and sticker collection. But it is only a matter of time before Momma sees that rainbow unicorn calling her name while out picking up deodorant and toothpaste starting my vicious cycle all over again.
#4: Discouraging Healthy Eating Habits
Let me just say, I love fresh fruits and vegetables. In fact, the munchkin and I are totally down with eating lima beans several times a week. I really do make an honest effort to feed her healthy meals and snacks. But… And this is a big ‘ole butt (if you knew me, you’d agree), life ALWAYS gets in the way. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The morning juggle: How do I get up, down my three cups of coffee, check Facebook, email, Twitter, take a shower, blow dry my hair, make the munchkin’s lunch, wake her up, get her dressed AND have time to make her an egg white omelet with whole wheat toast and fresh strawberries? Never gonna happen!
Instead, I am in the habit of buying the extra large bag of double chocolate mini-donuts. That’s right, as I am in-between my second cup of coffee and my tweet to all of my adoring fans, I slap this bag of goodies on her night stand. I do the gentle kiss on the forehead and whisper “It’s time to get up” in her ear just before I strip down the covers, tell her we are running late and she better hurry. She knows it’s all about woofing down those do-nettes and sprinting into the kitchen to get her chocolate milk as fast as lightening. Actually, in our house for convenience sake, of course, chocolate milk is YooHoo in a box. (Hey, before you judge me, read the carton. There are a TON of vitamins and minerals in there!)
When the long day that started with my alarm clock going off at 5:45am ends with us pulling into the driveway at 5:50pm, it sometimes (about 3 times a week is SOMETIMES!) may be a bit too much to ask this over-worked, highly-stressed, I-really-need-a-drink-before-the–evening-can-proceed, Momma to actually cook dinner.
My child knows that in our house cooking on those nights will entail one of the following two options: opening a can of spaghetti-o’s OR nuking frozen chicken nuggets. Yes, I will heat up the leftover lima beans. I so will! And I may even scoop out some mandarin oranges (with no sugar added of course because I am all about the healthier alternatives) from one of the prepackaged jars stacked in my fridge.
Right before bed, she gets her bedtime snack… Although I suggest eating some whole grain goldfish or an apple, on occasion, I will give in to the Ho-Ho. Why not? The day started with chocolate so why not end it with a little more of the same.
Although, I know you are all dying to know the top 3 reasons why I stink at Mommyhood, I must now break to have a cold beer, smoke and a little Oriole Game fix ‘cause I totally learned my lesson the other night when I didn’t pay attention to the game and fell asleep. I woke up to find that Wieters had hit a Grand Slam, and I missed it. I will NEVER let that happen again.
Until next time friends…….
Part II Coming Soon!